Bloody Reality TV

big-tomReality TV is cheap, cheap to make, and well just cheap. There really is too much of it, especially the variety that has celebrities and celebrity “has-beens” involved. In an effort to shake up the TV industry I have several proposals, firstly they should stop dumbing down the TV content, and if they are going to celebrity reality TV program then we could try and make it a bit more like real life.

First these shows will feature minor celebrities in embarrassing situations, not as embarrassing as their real lives but hey we can try.

Second, because of the recession, none of the celebrities will get paid for at least 12 months, so that we can make another TV series about their Bankruptcy called, “Reality Bites Back”.

Third, if we are lucky enough to get a real celebrity on the show we will rig the voting figures to keep them in to the end.

Also we shall pocket any monies made from the public votes and refuse to refund them when we are caught out.

Celebrity Bite Club.

Celebs have teeth-pulled for no real reason, other than to teach them what it feels like to watch “I was a celebrity get me out of here”

Celebrity Fight-club.

The more pugilistic celebrities are put in the ring with a press photographer, Queensbury rules, no pulled punches, let’s show Britney Spears what it is like to be on the wrong end of an umbrella, teach Kanye West how it feels to have something rammed up your nose (other than cocaine) and lets give Jude Law a couple of shiners. After they have lost, they can visit the Celebrity Bite Club to have their remaining lose teeth pulled.

Celebrity Spite Club.

To get to the top of the celebrity tree takes cunning, determination and not a small amount of back-stabbing and general nastiness. With Spite Club bitchy Celebs take it in turns to relive their schooldays by inflicting chinese* burns, nipple* tweaks etc on other celebrities, the winner is the nastiest, most vicious and most competitive, pretty much like real life then.

*How long before the politically correct brigade complain that you can’t call them Chinese Burns anymore? What will we have to call them instead? What about Nipple Tweaks? Surely the Nips will find that offensive as well.

Celebrity Lite Club

Pretty much the same format as all the other shows but without any real celebrities, so much the same vain as “Celebrity Big Brother” or “I’m a Celebrity Has-Been Get Me Out Of Here” or indeed most of the UK newspapers celebrity pages.

Celebrity Night Club

Celebs take it in turn to get drunk in a night club, and try to leave whilst simultaneously trying to flash their bits and hit out at photographers, Oh no that is too real.


P.S. You are the wind beneath my cheeks.