Things that make me go ARGGGH!!!

There is a new TV advertising campaign out at the moment (also being played on every single radio station through the land) and designed to irritate the sh*t out of me.

You know the one, you’re probably p*ssed off with it as well, it has these incredible, punchy lines and goes………. let see if I can remember

Now you see him!………………..Now you see him!…………Now you see him!………. Now you don’t!”
tink,tink, tink (indicator going as a motorist is about to execute a perfectly legal right turn, having checked his mirrors) crash bang wallop a motorcyclist drives into the side of the car, and the morose monotone voice, goes “Now you see him, ………….Now you see him!”

Now the last thing that I wasn’t to do is injure or kill a motorcyclist, I was a motorcyclist when I was in my early twenties and loved my bikes, and was lucky enough to have only minor spills that never put me off biking, (the cold and the rain did that).

But these adverts are aimed specifically at the drivers of cars etc, Now lets consider if I was to break the highway code (as the motorcyclist does in the advert), overtaking on the wrong side of a single-carriage way, where there are a number of turnings to the right, in my 2 ton 4×4 and a motorist had the audacity to indicate and turn right in front whilst I was executing this unwise and no doubt illegal manoeuvre, I am sure that the local plod would want a word in my shell-like, I am sure that my insurance company would be out-raged and refuse to pay out (on the basis that that is what I pay them sh*t loads of money to do, but thats a subject for another rant page).

However my point is that the advert should be shot from a different perspective, the motorcyclist who in this case is a complete muppet and cannot maintain a decent position in the road, and attempts this death un-defying stunt should be the one who is being lectured, my words for the new version of this advert would be. Now you see the car……………….Now you see the car indicate………..Wouldn’t it be good idea to try and overtake him on the right before he turns” (sound of throttle opening and of brain being disengaged) …………………..”Ohhhhh Sh*t, maybe I should have passed him on the left, or even waited a few seconds”.

Whilst I am having a rant about drivers and riders with poor road craft, what is it with give way signs, is there something difficult to understanding the concept, barrel up to a give way sign and floor it, in front of a 40ft truck (saw that twice today, one was a taxi who very nearly didn’t make it) or else they race up to the “give way” line and screech to a stop with the nose of the car half into approaching traffic. What about the idiot drivers who quite happily barrelling along an “A” road at 40mph or better suddenly get the urge to let someone out of a side turning at the last minute, forcing anyone behind to brake to a standstill, because the driver emerging from the side road has slightly more sense, and waits to see what is happening. Having driven over a million miles in nearly 20 years of driving it never ceases to amaze me that more people aren’t killed on the roads. It would seem that driving like the education system, television and everything else is dumbing down or is it that most road users are just thicker “than the average bear Boo Boo”.

This week, I have also seen two other examples of truly shameful driving, one, a mercedes approaching a set of traffic lights, pulls up behind a car that is parked, in a metered bay, and waits for the lights to change, when the lights change, he floors it and hits the parked car, words cannot describe how I pissed myself laughing. The second involved a Ford MPV, who in attempt to kill him and his young family pulled out about 10 feet in front of me (I was traveling at around 75mph he was doing about 65mph) leaving me to anchor up hard, and miss him by a couple of feet, and then because I had the audacity to flash him, he started wildly gesticulating. If I had not braked as hard as I did, there is no doubt who would have come of worse. Being punted into the central reservation by a significantly heavier vehicle can’t be much fun, and I would probably have been able to walk away. A little bit of research on the web led to these rules which a number of drivers seem to live by:

Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear-ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.

A right-hand lane closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the cones

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.

Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It’s a good way to scare people entering the motorway

Speed limits are arbitrary figures given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

Just because you’re in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.

It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes. This is true and should be done, to stop dozy twats falling asleep at the wheel

Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first… by whatever means necessary.

Cheers, and drive carefully out there, there are some dangerous muppets on the road.


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